A dude who you think is a complete moron and doesn’t know anything about what they’re talking about is commonly referred to as a douchebag.
We’ve all encountered them. And, we have all probably acted like a douche at some point. But what makes someone a bonafide douchebag?
To explore the issue I met with a group of experts at the OTT to categorize the 12 most common types of douchebags you are likely to encounter.
- Alpha Douche (AD)
An uber-masculine male (usually a jock) who punches those around him and laughs a ridiculously loud guffaw every time he tells a joke. To affirm his place in the pack, and reaffirm his masculinity, AD will call heterosexuals “gay” at least twice an hour and refer to homosexuals as [insert derogatory term].
- Me Monster Douche (MMD)
A completely self-absorbed male or female* with a super-sized ego. Regardless of the situation the MMD will always make a conversation about him. More often found in the professional world (although he is not opposed to private functions) MMD will take over meetings, presentations, or parties by redirecting attention to personal accomplishments and shameless self-promotion.
- Double Douche (DD)
Similar to the MMD, the DD (aka Man on the Moon Douche) has done everything you have, but better. If you say you climbed a nearby mountain, he’ll raise you Mt. Everest. Tell him you rescued kittens from a burning pet store…he’ll raise you Noah’s ark. The DD is typically found at social gatherings. When you spot a DD, be wary of sharing your impressive feats.
- Decibel Douche (dBD)
When the ambient noise is low, dBD breaks the sound barrier with something he deems to be important. Usually attached to a cell phone, dBD is known to frequent airports and checkout lines. dBD speaks over everyone in the room to ensure maximum broadcast quality.
LiesLines such as, “I JUST CLOSED A BILLION DOLLAR ACCOUNT.” or “YES, MR. PRESIDENT, I’D BE HAPPY TO COME OVER.” are typical of the dBD.
- Collar Pop Douche (CPD)
Just before a camera shutter closes, the CPD aka “Sup Douche” will jump into a photo to get their mug stamped into your photo album. No event is off limits and inappropriate gestures are their modus operandi. Before you break out the camera, be sure to look around for the CPD.
- The ConquistaDouche (TCD)
Typically found in the break room or around the water cooler, the TCD will ruin your Mondays and Fridays with tales of conquest. If you hear, “I got 12 digits last night” or “I drank an entire case of beer” or “I partied all weekend long and slept with a chick a night” you need to remove yourself from the situation immediately. The conquistaDouche is fueled by crowds. If the head count is low, he will utilize his dBD skills to attract an audience.
- mYdea Douche (mYd)
Coming up with good ideas is hard enough without mYd taking credit. This guy will listen to your million dollar idea, downplay its worth, and then turn around and present it as his own. Caution: challenging mYd is risky as you may be called a mYdea Douche for trying to steal his idea.
- Recycle Douche (RD)
RD is someone who relies on the same 3 stories year after year. He can be found at any social function, and tends to seek out people he doesn’t know. Sure, his anecdotes are impressive if you just met him, but if you hang out with RD on a regular basis, the 1) shark attack, 2) skydiving mishap, or 3) near-death hunting accident is going to get real annoying real fast.
- I’m in a Band Douche (IBD)
Normally found in trendy coffee shops and dive bars, IBD (aka guitar douche or vocalist douche) can’t tell enough people that he’s in a band. If you attempt to contribute to a conversation, IBD will shut you down because the importance of anything you say is nullified by his band membership. Warning, when around IBD, do not mention the government as this may incite a soapbox speech or an impromptu song.
- Workout Douche (WD)
An easy one to spot, the WD wears a gym t-shirt, sweat pant cut offs, eats 4 plates of food (usually boneless chicken breasts) at every meal, and finds it impossible to walk with sagging shoulders. If you interact with WD at the gym, never bring up your own workout routine. If you do, WD will most assuredly mock you Hanz and Franz style.
- iDouche (iD)
This individual cannot find enough time in the day to play with or talk about their iPhone. While there are other smartphone douches, none come close to the iD. Having no self-control, he will check his e-mail, Twitter, Facebook, and Foursquare accounts every 5 minutes. The iD can be found anywhere. If you see one, turn and walk away. Never talk about technology. And above all else, do not play with your own inferior dumbphone near the iD.
- Bluetooth Douche (BTD)
Often mistaken for a schizophrenic, the BTD will talk on his phone via Bluetooth making it appear as though he is talking to you. What upgrades the typical Bluetooth user to a BTD is the response you get when you ask him if he is talking to you. “DO YOU MIND? I’M ON THE PHONE.” He is especially douchey if he follows the terse remark by telling his caller, “Nothing, some douchebag was talkin’ to me.“
I’ll be the first to admit (and my wife will concur) that I am an iD. And, from time to time, I exhibit some of the douchey characteristics identified above. However, acting like a douchebag is not the same as being one. Rule of thumb, don’t be a dBag.
*A female of the douchebag species is referred to as a douchebaguette. The female douche exhibits the same qualities as their male counterpart, but do not necessarily fall into the above categories. So as not to be considered a sexist chauvinist I have opted out of categorizing the baguette. However, I welcome follow up comments/posts from those willing to categorize baguettes.
To avoid being labeled a mYdea Douche I must give special thanks to Matt, Ransome, and Bryan. Thanks douchebags! Do you have a dBag stereotype to add? Post it below or send me an e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.