I loved Judo as a kid. I’d go to class, throw people around, and when I was good enough I demonstrated competency in order to receive a colored belt representing my achievement. When I went through school I demonstrated competency in the subject area by completing mindless tasks and exams.
If I completed and passed enough of them across all of my classes I got a piece of paper that said, “You did it!” And, when I was old enough to drive I took a paper exam and a road test in order to get my drivers license. Why the frak can’t we do the same thing for e-mail?
Seriously, e-mail users are out of control. Day after day I’m bombarded with not just spam, but with doucheMail. Take this guy for example:
Granted most people aren’t like the guy in the commercial because he is actually concerned with his e-mail blunder. He knows that the fan blades are about to turn brown. In reality, this dude is just an idiot who should’ve used Gmail’s unsend function. No, I am not concerned with doofuses like him.
I’m annoyed with the people who lack proper e-mail etiquette. Like the people who send cute dancing llama e-mails to 100 people and include me for whatever God forsaken reason. And there are the recipients of the aforementioned e-mail who hit Reply All causing my inbox to blow up with LOL, LMAO, and ROFL replies.
Oh, but the worst ones are those people who send out and reply to group informational requests not only with the information but with some frakking anecdote written in flashing 44-point rainbow-colored comic sans font with an accompanying photo of their ugly alien-faced kid and 12 lines of dancing tutu-wearing circus bears.
To combat these chronic e-mail abusers I propose a certification process similar to obtaining a drivers license. Anyone wishing to use basic e-mail functions would be required to take a class on how to compose, send, and reply to e-mail. They would then need to pass a paper exam and a road test. If they do, they would receive a Class A certification allowing them to use these most basic of e-mail functions.
Should someone desire to use intermediate functions such as CC, BCC, or choosing someone from their contact list they would need to get Class B certified. And, if someone wants more advanced functions such as Reply All and Forward they would be required to get Class C certified.
If any certified e-mailer abuses their e-mailing privileges their certification would be suspended and they would be required to go through an e-mail remediation class. In order to get reinstated the abuser must demonstrate an understanding of all the e-mail functions associated with their classification in both a paper exam and a road test. After three strikes the e-mail abuser would lose their e-mail certification indefinitely. Period.
C’mon folks. Let’s stamp out inappropriate use of e-mail, let’s do away with chronic e-mail abusers, and let’s eradicate the Reply All dbag.
Do you know someone who is underqualified to use e-mail? Are you qualified to use REPLY ALL? Have you a ridiculous e-mail story to share? Share your thoughts below or send me an e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.