This winter, instead of running in the evening I’ve opted to get my run on before the sun (and my family) wakes up. One particular morning I rose from the dead around 5AM, got dressed, put on all kinds of reflective gear, and headed out the door where the temps were in the upper 20s and the wind was playing all of the neighborhood chimes. Having run the same route for the past several weeks I decided I’d try a slightly altered route to pick up a few extra miles.
And so it begins…
Well, I’m out there running and everything is great when out of the corner of my eye I see movement in the grass. I turned my head to shine my headlamp in the general direction and two eyes shine back. Oh thank goodness, just a deer. I go back to running and the deer decides to cross the road. I look at her again and she stops dead in her tracks in the middle of the road directly in front of me. I say “Hello” in a comforting voice because that’s what you do when you see a deer up close by yourself at night and you’re totally not crazy. No response. The deer just stood there. I run wide right, break headlamp-to-eye contact, and we part ways.
A mile later I’m running on the sidewalk when I see someone walking their dog up ahead. Something, however, looks off. On approach, I hopped off the sidewalk so I could pass the person (and not freak ’em out). Sure enough something was very off. The dude was decked out in winter gear but was missing one significant article—pants. No joke. He had a bulky coat, winter hat, gloves, boots, socks, but no pants. Just a pair of boxers. Not sure what to say or do so I kept on running.
A mile and a half later I was at the point in my run where I could go right and head back to the house or turn left towards the great unknown. I went left. A block or so later I passed through a well-lit intersection. About that time I heard what sounded like footsteps coming from behind me. I turned my head to verify and saw this guy:
Holy dog balls.
I gave him a wave and said, “Good morning!” He didn’t reply. Perhaps he was jamming out to some sweet tunes. Perhaps his eyes were closed and he couldn’t see the beam of light coming off my head. Perhaps he was really in tune with his run.
Or, and this is where I put my money, perhaps he was going to kill me.
Not wanting to die, I pushed my pace to 7:20 minute miles hoping to put a little distance between us, and focused my aural powers on his footsteps. Was he still behind me? Was he pulling out a wire to strangle me with? I had to look to be certain. But if I looked twice in a matter of minutes he’d know I was onto him and he’d kill me for sure. I thought for a moment. I’d wait for the next intersection and use the turn to look over my shoulder and catch a glimpse of my would be killer.
Boom. I’m a genius. I ran a bit more, turned right, angled my head towards my shoulder, and caught a clearer view of the guy. He was dressed entirely in black with no reflective gear whatsoever. While I’m not 100%, I’m pretty sure he was holding a can of fava beans in one hand and a bottle of chianti in the other. Unwilling to be eaten I pushed myself to sub 7 minute miles. A tenth of a mile later I turned another corner, tilted my head, and the dude was right there with me. W-T-F?
6:55
6:50
6:45
Another corner. Still there.
6:40
6:35
6:30
STILL THERE!
Finally, I saw the busy street I had been waiting for. I thought, “Hallelujah! This is it! This is my chance to get away.” I made a hard left, looked back, and the dude wasn’t there. Vanished. POOF! GONE! Perhaps he took off after another victim. Perhaps he turned into a bat and flew away. Who the eff knows. I really didn’t care. I wasn’t going to be his breakfast. If he was going to eat someone else that was their business, not mine.
The last two miles of my run were filled with visions of what might have happened and thoughts of how lucky I was to be alive. How I should hug my family more. Be kinder to my fellow man. How short life really is. OK. Not really. I was thinking how totally creepy that dude was. I mean, come on. If you’re going to run in the moonlight on dark streets and all of your running gear is non-reflective and black, wear a blinking light. If someone says “Hello” say “Hello” or “I’m not a serial killer” back. Seriously, if you’re going to run behind someone in the dark don’t be so creepy.